He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
