Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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