I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Randomize
