dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
