i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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