It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize