as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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