You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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