Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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