It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
