I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
it was like his penis was on wheels.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
