Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
