do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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