I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize