I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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