i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
