if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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