U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
