You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
