Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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