suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
