I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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