life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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