She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
