Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
