Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
