she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
