She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
