Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
