Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
