...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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