Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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