I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
