Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
God, you're like boner-b-gone
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
