Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
