After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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