She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
