I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
