grandma shit on top of the toilet
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
