Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
