The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
