I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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