Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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