guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
