Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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