i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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