Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
