You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
