Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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