Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
