make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
