just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
we're making bets on your personal life
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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