I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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