i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
