John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
