Is it normal to miss your booty call?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
