She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I believe in your delicious
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
