i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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