Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
