So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize