I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
