whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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